My wife takes solo vacations seeking attention from other men
DEAR ABBY: After 15 years of marriage, I am finding it challenging to respect my wife’s need for space and independence. I tend to be a romantic, but my efforts to communicate about boundaries have backfired.
Our relationship began in a foreign country, and we haven’t taken a vacation together with our kids in a decade. She prefers solo trips to feel “free” and seek attention from other men.
While I trust and love her deeply, it hurts me to see her return to the place where we first met to seek the attention of other men. When I express my feelings, she dismisses them as “needy.” I disagree.
How can I support my wife’s freedom and independence when it hurts me? When I try to address this, I am made to feel like it’s my problem to solve.
I feel a disconnect growing between us, and I refuse to let it happen. We are in counseling, although she is reluctant. What can I do when my attempts to strengthen our connection are met with resistance? — STRUGGLING IN NEW YORK
DEAR STRUGGLING: I am glad you both are in counseling, and I suggest you continue even if your wife is hesitant. You can’t save a marriage alone; it requires mutual effort and compromise. Ten years without a family vacation is a long time. Your wife taking solo trips to appear single is not beneficial to your marriage, and you are not wrong to express how it makes you feel.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-widowed woman and a snowbird. There is a man who also spends winters in the south and stays across the street. We have gone out for dinner, but I am only interested in a casual friendship. He likes beer while I prefer wine.
Recently, he brought over a bottle of cheap wine that I did not enjoy. He has mentioned buying another bottle to share. How can I politely tell him I only want to be friends and that our tastes in wine differ without sounding like a snob? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t force myself to drink it. — WINE LOVER IN FLORIDA
DEAR WINE LOVER: Before he brings another bottle, politely ask him to return it and let him know you’ll bring the wine next time. It’s okay to have different preferences, and it’s not snobbish to communicate that. As for maintaining a friendship, once he sees the wine you prefer, he may stick to his beer.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
