Cardinal Dolan Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day with a Breakfast Filled with Laughter and Libations

Nourishing the Marching Spirits

Ireland isn’t a frequent topic of discussion, yet it’s worth noting that Halloween originated in Ireland.

Recently, His Eminence, Timothy Cardinal Dolan, hosted a breakfast for some of the faithful before the St. Patrick’s Day parade. While he has a deep affection for New York, and the city reciprocates, the turnout was modest. Perhaps only a handful of leprechauns remain in Galway.

Thanks to favorable tax policies, Ireland feels like the 51st state. Remove those, and in a quarter-hour, the entire lush landscape transforms into a desert. This is the birthplace of Guinness from the 1700s, and it’s also where many indulge in it in the 2020s.

His Eminence, sporting new robes from his weight loss, mingled in his reception area, waiting room, and dining space. Many attendees donned green attire, creating a scene reminiscent of the Pine Barrens in the Hamptons with a few hundred gathered.

While I couldn’t kneel for the St. Pat’s Mass, it wasn’t for a lack of respect — I simply wouldn’t manage to rise again.

So, I took the sensible route and brought some jokes for His Eminence: “God heals, and doctors collect the fees.”

My friend is Catholic; his mother is an atheist. When he goes to confession, he brings along his lawyer. In Las Vegas, surrounded by millions, you’re bound to hear someone exclaim, “Oh, my God!”

To date, priests have the lowest divorce rates.

Union leaders have one grievance against our Creator: He worked a six-day week.

While churchgoers trust in miracles, those who don’t frequent church put their faith in the lottery.

And as for Jezebel, she deserves pity rather than censure. I overheard in my pew: “I’ve prayed for her for years — but she still hasn’t answered!”

“A meeting is on the agenda at Mt. Sinai. I need material.” Fisherman: “Thou shalt not kill. Or thou shalt not steal.” Answer: “No! I’ve told you time and again I can’t use one-liners.”

Known for his thriftiness, O’Shaughnessy was once walking home with a pint of scotch when a cyclist inadvertently knocked him down. Feeling a trickle down his leg, he exclaimed, “Oh, I hope that’s blood!”

In a corner of the Cardinal’s dining room, a liquor table had been set up… at 9:40 a.m. While waiting for my paper cup of coffee, a guest shared tales of his favorite bar, where an Irishman asked, “What’s with the sawdust on the floor?” To which the bartender replied, “That’s not sawdust — it’s yesterday’s furniture.”

And let’s not forget the limericks: There was a young lady from Kent/Who claimed she knew what it meant/When men asked her to dine/And offered drinks of wine/She knew their intent/But off she went.

A few words about our cherished Cardinal: he actively engaged with everyone, making sure to connect with each invitee, all of whom received armbands designating their invitation. The Catholic Church boasts the largest congregation globally, with 1.39 billion members. And in this sea of faithful, Timothy Cardinal Dolan gives his time and energy — a shared laugh, a listening ear, a kind word, a warm handshake, and an uplifting gesture for everyone he encounters.

So, in an attempt to show I’m not pretentious/I’ll give this a go, just for you, so you’ll see/I’ll bring this to a close/So just here, I propose/It’s time for me to bid farewell — as you can see.

Thank you for reading through to the end. Happy belated St. Patrick’s Day, and I look forward to seeing you all at His Eminence’s next crowded gathering.

Only in New York, folks, only in New York.