Introducing the Biggest Deceiver in New York: His Ambition to Become Mayor
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and behold the rarest and most perilous of beasts: New York’s Biggest Deceiver.
Originating from the depths of Albany, this is a scheming giant of falsehoods, a marvel of mendacity, a titan of tall tales. We refer to him as Andrew Cuomo.
Caution, my lady! Step back from the enclosure; he’s known to get handsy.
Much like his relatives in the genus chamaeleo, the Cuomo’s capacity to alter its guise will astonish you. Here he masquerades as a moderate Democrat, a creature thought to have vanished.
However, place him in a gathering with similar beings, and instantly, his form transforms.
He once pledged that New Yorkers would benefit from fracking, but voila! He turned eco-friendly, prohibited it, and hastily shuttered the Indian Point nuclear power plant, spiking electricity prices for all.
One of Cuomo’s most unforgettable acts was when he donned the cape of the Covid Hero. He crafted paper mache peaks, lectured about science, and then sent countless elderly individuals to their demise in nursing homes, where the virus thrived.
Sir! Don’t be deceived! He’ll try to claim the federal government coerced him into it. More of his fabrications! Congress actually proposed he face criminal charges. Yes, for perjury!
He was also the governor who had no qualms about people marching maskless and looting stores at the peak of Covid — yet asserted that you couldn’t enter a bar without ordering a sandwich.
Ah! He’s a liar — his lies don’t always need to be coherent.
Young lady, please maintain your distance. He has a history of unwanted advances.
Oh, he’ll assert that it was all a witch hunt, insinuating that he can grope women because of his Italian heritage. Yes, esteemed gentleman in the back, he did claim that!
But remember, an eight-month probe by the Assembly uncovered “overwhelming evidence” of his sexual harassment of women.
The Attorney General reached the same conclusion. Legislators also pointed out that he misused his authority to compel his staff to assist with a book for which he was paid $5 million to “write.” Deceptive, manipulative, and untrue!
Now, good people, prepare yourselves. The World’s Biggest Liar is concocting his most elaborate scheme yet.
He intends to deceive the voters of New York City into believing he should be their mayor, that he is the most reasonable, centrist candidate available.
Needless to say, do not trust him.
Who! I ask. Who implemented the justice “reforms” making it impossible to incarcerate criminals? Who altered the discovery laws, leading to more cases being dismissed?
Who is responsible for the clerk at Duane Reade needing to unlock toothpaste for you?
I am pointing at him right now! Why, he is none other than the man standing before you, Raggedy Andy, the storyteller, the deceiver, the slanderer.
He has cost you money, made your city less secure, mishandled a historic pandemic, and, rumor has it, steals lollipops from infants.
People of Gotham, he’s confined for now, but don’t allow him to escape. Disregard his delusions, dodge his embraces. You’ve witnessed his true nature. We cannot allow his lies to hurt us once more.
