NYC is in search of a hero, but all we have is Andrew Cuomo running for mayor.
Not a fan of Andrew Cuomo? That’s alright—he doesn’t exactly have a fan club himself. Personally, I have a soft spot for him, but he probably doesn’t care for me much either. I can handle it.
Cuomo exudes the charm of a puma; his face isn’t exactly Hallmark card material. He values his family, fame, country, and position—end of the list. If you’re looking for ideals like truth, honesty, or legitimacy, you might want to play Scrabble instead.
But wait. Pay close attention. Looking for results? Andrew is your man. Do you prefer de Blasio? Whose wife’s favorite subject was math? Or Menendez? Who had a penchant for cheating the U.S.? How about Hunter? Whom even Guantanamo detainees flee from? Or the White House ventriloquist—our previous First Lady?
It’s not about loving Cuomo. The real question is whether you care for this magnificent city. We are currently fighting to protect this extraordinary land that God created—New York! Make no mistake, this isn’t a beauty pageant.
In our era of mistakes
We are the ones who voted in the cronies supporting Biden. We’re the great populace that elected Long Island’s own George Santos. So, maybe we don’t always get it right.
Our city is home to rats larger than SUVs—smaller only than its immigrants. Our people leave their mess on the streets. We face taxes that are out of reach, thieves in stores, unsafe subway rides, and fare dodgers. We witness fights on buses and the threat of bicycles.
Thieves snatch our handbags, harass us on the sidewalks, grab our phones, sleep on the streets, do drugs, litter needles everywhere, constantly sue the city and prevail, walk free with a mere Monopoly card, and deal with law enforcement that is reluctant to enforce laws. Stores shut down, neighbors get harassed with noise, and weapon possession is rampant.
And those are our law-abiding citizens. We have neighbors who harbor animosity, exorbitant rents, locals who speak little English, vandalize, break windows, hold anti-everything protests, skip work yet get paid, panhandle, and enter politics just to hold press conferences without any real efforts on issues.
Hospitals are closing, doctors are leaving, people are struggling with transportation through cluttered streets filled with bike racks and double-parked trucks, while construction blocks access. Try to breathe under permanent scaffolding. Our universities promote hate. Walking alone at night feels unsafe. Parks are now hideouts for criminals. Forget about crossing the street—there’s a risk of getting hit by a coleslaw delivery guy. Long-needed apartments remain vacant because updating them costs landlords too much.
Flash and dash
Prefer a cheery candidate with a bright smile, a friendly pat on the back, and fancy cuffs? Mazel tov. It’s easy to like Eric, who smiles, seeks fun, changes his suits throughout the day, and, like this other guy, dreams of becoming president. We all like Eric—maybe he’s just a stand-in for another job in the meantime.
Andrew is like a gorilla. He deserves his banana. Don’t like him? Who cares? He doesn’t like you either. But he can get the job done. It’s either Andrew Cuomo or all of us former New Yorkers might be packing our bags for Delaware to start gardening for Jill Biden.
A woman confronted by a mugger was frisked, and he complained, “You have no money!” She replied: “Listen, just keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll write you a check.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
