Which Democrats deserve an Oscar for their fake, all-an-act convention?

The Democratic National Convention in Chicago this week was one heck of a production. Less like a normal political convention and more like a glitzy Hollywood one.

With a host of A-list celebrities and B-list politicians it felt most like the Oscars.

So in honor of this the Academy, would like to hand out a set of awards for the best performances in Chicago this week:

Best Actress — Nancy Pelosi

There really was no competition in this category. Nancy Pelosi gave the performance of a lifetime, reading every one of her lines without cracking.

We will not soon forget the way in which she said that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris had “established one of the most successful presidencies of modern times.”

And then put such emotion into her voice while talking about infrastructure on rural broadband!

But the standout moment was her tribute to Joe Biden. Only a few weeks ago, Pelosi went to see Joe and brutally ended his career, reportedly telling him that he must either stop his run or get pushed out “the hard way.”

This week was always going to be a mountain for Nancy to climb. But she managed it.

Her performance was second-to-none as she paid tribute to the man whose career she so recently ended.

She emoted. She praised. She licked her lips. And during Biden’s own performance she could be seen enthusiastically waving a “We love Joe” banner. It takes an actor of once-in-a-generation skill to do what Nancy did.

Best Supporting Actress — Hillary Clinton

The former First Lady is a master of the supporting role. So it was inevitable that there would be artistry in her performance. And so it proved.

Who could fail to be impressed when she talked about the glass ceiling that she and Kamala had done so much to crack?

Or the way in which she held a smile even as she said that Kamala should be the first woman to make it to the Oval Office?

Some viewers may have got the feeling that Hillary was about to grab a bigger trophy and burst out screaming “It should have been mine” at any moment. But she didn’t.

She kept herself measured and turned in a performance of rare, multi-layered complexity, underscored by a raw, sublimated rage.

Best Actor — Bill Clinton

The boy from Arkansas took the stage for half an hour to remind people of the good old days. By which he meant the days of George Washington.

Without bursting out laughing once, Bill Clinton compared Joe Biden to George Washington and said that, like Washington, Biden had exited the stage at a time of his own choosing.

Historians are still looking for the Chuck Schumer, Barack Obama and George Clooney characters of 1797.

Best supporting actor — Cardinal Cupich

Cupich deserves a mention for his hilarious performance as a “Catholic Cardinal.”

Leading a prayer onstage he praised the idea of Americans being united by “profound aspirations of life.”

The Cardinal had clearly not toured the abortion and vasectomy trucks which were doing big business outside the convention. Nor the huge, 20-foot inflatable IUD that was also hovering around.

Lifetime achievement award — Oprah Winfrey

Though she had long been promised to attend, this was Oprah Winfrey’s first time at the ceremony. So she deserves this lifetime achievement award.

Not least for her inspiring claim that she understood — because she had suffered from — “income inequality.” She only forgot to say which side she had seen it from.

Best animated feature — Joe Biden

It is amazing what modern animation can achieve. Way past his normal bedtime of 4 p.m., a character amazingly resembling Joe Biden took to the stage.

He managed a whole speech, whipped himself up into a rage over things that nobody said and wiped a tear from his face as he accepted the gratitude of a party that wanted him gone.

There was reported to be a sequel to this animation in the works. But word is that the studio pulled the plug after a poor performance at the box office.

Best Picture — Teresa Woorman

The folks behind the camera often fail to get the recognition they deserve. So hats off to the cameraman and editor for their cut-away to Teresa Woorman on Wednesday night.

You may not have heard of Ms. Woorman before, but she is going places. The delegate from Maryland is a large and cheerful looking lady.

But she found a special place in the nation’s hearts when she was the subject of a cutaway shot during Oprah Winfrey’s speech.

Winfrey had just got to her line in defense of “childless cat ladies” when the camera zoomed in on a frowning and nodding woman in the crowd.

Woorman soon became aware that she had been chosen as the face of childless cat women everywhere and slowly turned away from the camera. But she had already nailed it, and given the nation this year’s best picture.

Special Effects — The Democratic National Committee

Sometimes it takes a whole team. And the award for best special effects has to go to none other than Kamala Harris and her team of advisors.

In a matter of weeks they have managed to turn a hopeless candidate into a front-runner.

The first special effect was the claim that the crazy Kamala laugh was not embarrassing but was in fact “brat.”

Then we learned that all the word salads and wine-mom mannerisms were in fact “joy.”

Finally we are being told that someone who has been vice president for the past four years was both in charge and not in charge, knows what to do but hasn’t done it so far, and can both claim credit for the economy and yet insist that it needs fixing.

In the process the Democrats have managed to create a whole new candidate.

Not the Kamala we thought we knew. But a new special Kamala who we apparently don’t know at all. A Kamala who is hyper-competent, super-inspiring and a fresh face in politics.

It rivals “Avatar,” “The Matrix” and “Star Wars” as one of the great special effects achievements of all time, and deserves its top prize.